Yesterday started off like any other day. I woke up, hopped in the shower, and tossed on a podcast while getting ready. Usually one to hem and haw over what to listen to, yesterday I impulsively hit "play" on the episode at the tippy top of my unplayed feed: TLS #186: Things I'm Afraid to Tell You by Jess Lively.
The episode is an updated extension to a blog post Jess wrote nearly five years ago. One in which she courageously outlined the things she'd been afraid to share online for fear of rejection, judgement, etc.
I won't spoil the episode by detailing Jess' personal list, but I'll say this: it was perfectly timed wisdom and one of those serendipitous perspective-shifting moments.
You know the type? Moments when, within the boundaries of ordinary circumstances, we fatefully collide with the answers we hadn't yet realized we were seeking. When one of the questions, doubts, or fears embedded within our internal narrative rises to the surface and is greeted by a resolution. This was absolutely one of those moments.
Realization
When I started blogging, my only goal was to scratch a curious summer itch. I thought, "Hey, this might be a fun way to keep myself entertained this summer," and began writing my first post a few minutes later. Very few people read what I shared those first handful of months. So few, in fact, that the first time the blog broke 100 pageviews in a day, I thought one of my posts had surely gone viral. Now there are times when I click on 'Real Time' stats in Google Analytics and realize there are over 100 people actively perusing the site in just that one given moment in time. Things have certainly changed.
The sea of beautiful eyes on this space has expanded beyond my wildest dreams, opening up possibilities, opportunities, and adventures that have shaped my life in the most wonderful way. It's been both inspiring and humbling at the same time. And my goodness, receiving a heartfelt email from someone who has been touched by the blog in some way makes my heart feel as if it just might explode with gratitude. So much gratitude.
But the more eyes there are, the more pressure I've put on myself to tiptoe, tread lightly, and color well within the lines. Not because you've asked me to but because my fears have. In the past, I frequently wrote blog posts that veered into psychological topics and uncertain life territory. In recent years, I frequently veer but rarely hit 'publish'. Why? Because I'm afraid.
Afraid of being judged for my vulnerabilities or angering people who meandered here through the interwebs for the recipes only. As I listened to Jess' podcast yesterday, I realized that I've been so afraid, in fact, that I've even been afraid to tell you I'm afraid. How crazy is that?
So much fear, so little time.
But then it dawned on me. What's on the other side of fear? FREEDOM. We always have a choice. We can observe fear from a safe distance, allowing it to become the self-imposed limitation that fastens us to where we are. Or we can take a deep breath, run forward with as much valor as we can muster, and bravely climb the fear fence that stands in our way, using it as a tool to propel us closer to where we want to be.
Only time will tell how I'll feel on the other side of clicking 'publish' on this post, but for now I'm armed with running shoes and wings.
Resolution: Telling You the Things I've Been Afraid to Tell You...
But first, I want to clarify that my intention in sharing isn't to solicit your understanding but to solicit my own. To look fear square in the eyes, give it a high-five and a fist-bump, and release it right here in front of you.
Here goes nothing something...
»»» Lately, I've had this broad, looming sense of uncertainty and confusion about how to best move forward with the blog and my career in the new year. There are so many things I want to share and ideas I want to tackle that I often don't know where to begin. Most of all, I've been struggling to pinpoint a single path that encompasses my love for cooking, fuels my curiosity for holistic wellness, and plays on my strengths as a psychologist. For months, my plan was to create a separate platform to house all wellness- and psychology-related materials, but I'm worried that maintaining two separate internet spaces will leave me spread thin. On the other hand, I'm worried that if I infuse Blissful Basil with too much psychobabble you'll all go running. Still an unsolved mystery but it feels less scary now that I've called it out.
»»» I've developed pretty thick skin over the years, but just the other week a snappy blog comment written by a total stranger made me cry. Not the first time, probably won't be the last.
»»» Comparison truly is the thief of joy, and sometimes I go a day or two without checking my social media accounts in an effort to avoid comparison and nip feelings of jealousy in the bud. On occasion, I end up feeling guilty for taking that time away.
»»» I'm my own harshest critic and despite preaching the importance of self-compassion to others, I often need reminders to be gentle with myself.
»»» Sometimes I have no idea what in the heck to write for blog posts, and I worry I'll bore you all to tears. You'll know I was having one of those days when you stumble across a post with exemplary brevity! Here's a smoothie! It's refreshing, tart, and colorful. Enjoy!
»»» I often talk myself out of new ventures and projects that I'm passionate about for fear that I'll be labeled a fraud or someone will question, "Who does she think she is?!" Imposter Syndrome, anyone?
»»» I'm fascinated by the cosmos, spiritual exploration, energy fields and auras, and intuition. I'm constantly curious about these things but rarely share my thoughts for fear of being perceived as "out there" or woo woo.
»»» The song "Auld Lang Syne" (i.e., the NYE song) stirs up dark memories of SAD winters passed. Even though I've been effectively managing the good ol' winter blues for years now, I still wince at the sound of it.
»»» My biggest fear is disappointing people.
»»» Despite being a well-documented phenomenon that affects the vast majority of bloggers, the seasonal dip in traffic known as the "Summer Slump" still messes with my head.
»»» After 10+ years of being on the pill (the one with a notoriously terrible reputation), I stopped taking it earlier this fall and have been battling weird but surprisingly common withdrawal side effects like hair loss, dry skin, and bloating. Of all the side effects, the worst has been a decreased appetite, because it makes brainstorming new recipes and recipe testing particularly difficult. It's hard to come up with creative ideas when nothing sounds appetizing! Thankfully, I stumbled across this blog post from The Holy Kale about two months ago. It outlines a slew of tips and tricks to naturally combat BCP withdrawal (a whole foods plant-based diet is one of them). I've also been taking a maca supplement, a broccoli-based detox supplement that efficiently escorts xenoestrogens out of the body, and a natural hair and nail support supplement. If anyone has faced similar side effects from BCP withdrawal, please feel free to reach out. I'm an open book with this stuff and happy to share what's worked and what hasn't. I'll tell you one thing, this maca supplement has been a game changer for energy and cycle regulation (no affiliation with the brand whatsoever, simply based on my personal experience).
WHEW. Think that's it. Fears released. I feel lighter and surprisingly more peaceful. Just one thing left to do now: scoot the mouse across the screen and click 'publish'. Ready, set...
Cynthia says
Way to go! It takes a lot to not only put a name to the things we fear, but to share those fears with others. I recognize a lot of my own fears in the things you listed, and I admire you for having the courage to publish this post. I think naming our fears is the first and most important step to ending their power over us. I've been enjoying your recipes for years, and I'm excited to see where you take the blog in the future! Write what you're passionate about; you will always have an audience here. Have a wonderful new year!
Ashley says
Love what you said about naming our fears, Cynthia. By calling them out in the open, we put an end to the power they hold over us. Thank you for sharing your wisdom and also for being so supportive and compassionate. Your comment warmed my heart and added an extra layer of peace to my mind. Hope you're having a beautiful start to 2017!
Karissa @ Vegan À La Mode says
Beautifully written post, Ashley! I love whenever you share thoughts regarding psychology because I find your insight so compelling. You are so right about how fear holds us back and limits us. I definitely need to work on recognizing such fears of change and evolution in order to progress.
Also, I would love though to continue seeing more psychology-related content on Blissful Basil! Perhaps instead of creating a whole new platform you could just integrate a section into Blissful Basil that houses all the mind + wellness content? Either way, I can't wait to see what you decide!
Ashley says
Karissa, your empathy and understanding always warms my heart. Thanks for your support and encouragement.
It's easy to get stuck in a pattern of believing there is a "right way" and a "wrong way" to do something. Then, I spend all this time searching for the "right way" when in reality, there were several "great ways" sitting right there in front of me and the "best way" was whichever one got the ball rolling!
I love the idea of integrating a section that houses all mind/wellness content, and the more I think about it, that approach feels like the best path. Thank you for your insight!
Lindsay says
I love your honesty and vulnerability, Ashley. I'm a big fan of New Year's, and your post has me thinking on being brave and taking more risks in 2017, despite wading through plenty of hurts, failures and disappointments in 2016. And for what it's worth, the more woo woo the better, in my opinion.
Ashley says
Thanks for your constant support and understanding, Lindsay. Fear is such a funny thing, isn't it? It's so much scarier on the anticipatory side but once we're in the moment facing up to our fears and on the flip side of them, it's invigorating and freeing. I'm learning that even when those moments lead to perceived failures, they're still completely worthwhile (and maybe even more so) because they becomes our teachers.
Here's to being brave and taking lots of courageous chances in 2017! Oh, and to bringing the woo woo, too. :)
Tina says
Love this post, good on you for braving the masses :) I like how real it is, and I feel touched that you shared all this with us. Anazing!
The nice thing about analytics is you can try posting about a few of the other areas you're interested in and see if people read them as frequently as your current posts, then decide. I can't wait to read them! :)
Ashley says
I'm touched that you're touched! And you're right, having those data-based insights into how posts are performing is incredibly helpful. Haven't looked at the data on this post yet but based on my own feelings after clicking 'publish' and the thoughtfulness and vulnerability within the comments, it was completely worthwhile.
Thanks for your support and encouragement, Tina. Means so much. Hope you're having a lovely start to the new year!
Ellen Lederman says
The psych major in me from long ago always enjoys psychological insights amidst the recipes---mindful eating, mindful living.
Could some of what you are feeling now be something like post-partum depression? Instead of delivering a baby, you delivered a book. Except that you don't have a baby keeping you up at night---but maybe your apprehension about what is next and fears that how you can top such a fantastic book as you just put out (we made the sloppy shitakes and cabbage today, by the way---wonderful!).
It's got to be hard to come up with pithy things to say, along with the actual recipes and photographs. Think about how cookbooks used to be. Not a whole lot of verbiage, just the recipes and maybe a few photos. Possibly it gets to be just too much "noise." Sometimes I get tired of all the superlatives on food blogs---the best brownies ever! (Um, last year it was a different recipe that supposedly was the best. And sometimes it's just not possible to always top what was done previously. Twenty years ago in Atlanta we hosted the Olympics. For the first time the Olympic President did not declare them the best Olympics ever---and Atlantans were very unhappy.)
I found you due to the vegan food. But I will also stay for the psychological insights because I think you are so honest, authentic, and articulate. I have things to learn from your journey even though I am twice your age. And if you had just had a blog about psychological, personal growth and development, and healthy living, I think I may have stumbled on to you as well.
Do what feels right for you. You may lose some readers and gain others...but you will have been true to yourself in the process and you will never ever regret that.
I am sure you have seen Brene Brown's TED talk on vulnerability. Perhaps some day we will be watching you give one as well!
Ashley says
Thank you for this, Ellen. You always offer such thoughtful insights and encouraging wisdom. And, haha, I think you might be onto something with the post-partum book depression! Not a depression really but a sort of intense existential pondering that can feel uncomfortable and scary at times.
Totally hear you with all the superlatives on food blogs. There are times when I get caught up in that myself and it's almost always when I have writer's block or am shielding something else from coming forward. They can be as painful to write as they are to read, and you're right, most recipes are just good or great, not always "the best". It's not possible to always be topping our previous bests, and attempting to do so is exhausting. Seriously, makes me tired just thinking about it!
Also, adore Brene Brown! I'm in awe of her capacity to observe and reframe everyday experiences in entirely new, thought-provoking ways. Love how honest she is about the resistance she's faced within her work, too. She's quite the inspiration, isn't she?
Thanks again, Ellen. Hope you're having a wonderful start to 2017!
diana @ veggienextdoor says
I for one would love some psychology content. I think there would be a wide audience for that! It's the reason I read parenting magazines before I was a parent. And the reason self help books are such a huge category. We all could improve on interacting with other people, understanding them, and understanding ourselves. I hope you go for it!
Ashley says
Thanks for the encouragement, Diana! It means so much. And you're right, most of us seek information that helps us understand ourselves and others better. Might as well make it more convenient by having recipes and self-help in one place.
Ashley says
Perfection. I've been working on my own fear of fear this year and this post could not be more timely. And "Impostor Syndrome" - spot on! Thank you for your vulnerability and best wishes to you in the New Year!
Ashley says
You're welcome, and thank you, Ashley. For your support and understanding. Imposter Syndrome is a real force to be reckoned with, isn't it?! Pops up in unexpected places.
Hope you're having a beautiful start to the new year!
Diane McCann says
Fantastic blog Ashley. You know what, people who don't wantthe plethora of things you can offer can go somewhere else and those who do will not only stay but bring friends. :Authenticity is the best gift for yourself and others. I felt exactly the same way as you..... 4 "different" forks to my business all of which in my mind were related because I believe everything is!!!! but how to mix it up. I still have 5 FB accounts, one for myself, one for health, one for the men's work we do, one for the tantra to couples we teach and one for Goddess then of course one for me. In the end it is too hard attempting to be all things to all people so these days I stick to just one and people either like it or they don't. So keep on doing what you do and so beautifully and know I will keep reading regardless whether you write a recipe or an aura post or an energy post or a health post. Happy New Year beautiful.
Ashley says
Diane! Thanks for sharing your encouraging wisdom. Reading your comment felt like a warm hug to my heart. You're so right; authenticity is the best gift any of us can give. And my goodness, four forks to your business and five facebook accounts??! I can hardly keep up with two FB accounts and cannot even imagine how torn you must feel managing five. Completely empathize with the temptation to attempt to be all things to all people. Why is it so tempting?! I have people pleasing in my genes and have worked hard to rediscover my own feelings and authentic perspective beneath a constant desire to please others. We end up diluting our value and impact by trying to be everything to every person, don't we? No one wins in that scenario. Here's to being true to the thing that makes our hearts sing and allowing the other things to fall away. Hope you're having a beautiful start to the new year!
Lani says
Love your words about our choices. Your honesty encourages all of us to accomplish more! Yes, combine your spiritual inspirations with recipes, and FEEL the love and support your readers offer. I'll bet, because of YOU, other blogs will appear in 2017...thanks to your demonstrations as yours has helped so many people, including yourself.
Ashley says
Thanks for your support, kindness, and all-around sweetness, Lani. Your comment brought a smile to my face. Excited to see what you share on your blog in the coming year!
tara davis says
This is so refreshing to read. I love reading what else is going on in life other than food. We all have lives to live and no one is exempt from living every piece of it. I think we often/conveniently forget to share it with the rest of the world. When we expose ourselves for who we are at our core, not only do we make room for our own self love, we also give others permission to do the same. I've recently also stepped out of fear and into faith and started a blog. The more I write about the depths of my learning, the more I learn about me and the more of me I'm willing to share. And once I've shared the pieces of me I thought were forbidden the less scared I am to continue to dive deep within. Bravo for your braveness. Bravo for your willingness to be vulnerable. You are a leader and a healer.
Ashley says
Thanks for your compassion, encouragement, and insights, Tara. So much wisdom in your comment, and I love what you said about allowing the heart of who we are to rise to the surface. When we do that, we really do make room for our own self-love and give others permission to do the same, don't we? Thank you for sharing and congrats on starting your blog—looking forward to reading!
Casey the College Celiac says
Thank you for trusting us enough to share. As a blogger, it can definitely be hard to decide what is enough? What do I share and what stays private? Thanks for the reminder that sometimes the truth is all we need to say.
Ashley says
Thank you for being so encouraging and kind, Casey. It can be so difficult to determine what to share, stifling even. Sometimes when things are particularly stressful or I have lots of things running through my mind, I open a new post and just freeze! Ever have that experience? Blogging certainly brings about joyful, mysterious, and unexpected quirks. :)
Cie says
Don't know why, but I believe all that you can offer to the world will be greeted with openness and appreciated. You have a beautiful Bliss about you in your words. Love your recipes, I retire soon and hope to experience more of them
I have been following an Alternative Lifestyle for 40yrs, started at age21 and believe you are on tract in all areas that you mentioned you would like to share. After all A Healthy Lifestyle is the most potent form of medicine. After all a Healthy Lifestyle is not alone a diet. We also need spiritual growth and open communications. You have a lot to offer, just be yourself and let it flow.......................................................
Ashley says
Thank you for this, Cie. Your support and compassion mean so much. Here's to being ourselves, flowing, and growing. Hope you have a beautiful start to 2017 and that it's filled with lots of joy and delicious recipes, too!
Matilda Harter-Parish says
Ashley,beautifully written and thought out. We are all human and do seem to always second guess ourselves, because of something said or did by others. The thing that is important is one as important as another. And that is a fact,no matter what our career, or standing in life. I applaud you . Keep up your good work, I enjoy your blog. Happy New Year.
Ashley says
Thank you for your support and for this beautiful tidbit of wisdom, Matilda. Really struck a comforting, truthful chord and brought a smile to my face, too. Hope you're having a great start to the new year!
Ashley says
I quite the pill in June and I was not prepared for my body's reaction to that hormonal change. It definitely hit me hard, but after a few months, my body adjusted. Because of my hypothyroid, my body loved all of those extra hormones, but unfortunately the long term effects are frightening. I'm glad that many of us have decided to take a more holistic approach to regulating our hormones!
As for your content, I think it is beautiful and creative. Do what's in your heart and the stars will align!
Ashley says
Thanks for sharing your experience and support, Ashley. It's comforting to know others are seeing the light on the other side of the BCP withdrawal effects! My goodness, if only we were warned about all the funky side effects up front, most of us probably never would have touched the stuff. That said and despite the crazy side effects, it's incredibly freeing to be off of the pill. Feel like this thin veil was lifted off my personality and I'm now fully myself again, if that makes sense.
Hope you're having a wonderful start to the new year!
Kelly Haber says
Beautifully raw and authentic ~ thanks for sharing!✨????????????
You hit publish...there's no stopping you now! ????
#awarenessiskey #embraceyourfears #mindfulness #staytruetoyou
Ashley says
Thanks for your support, Kelly!! No turning back once 'publish' is hit, and thankfully, not one regret or worry once I did. Hope you're having a lovely start to 2017! :)
Lee says
Beautiful post and thank you for sharing all of these things about you. I truly related to so many of them... About the pill, I would recommend the FemmeHead youtube channel as it has really interesting material and maybe taking ashwaganda for support (I've heard wonders about it for hormonal/fertility issues). I truly hope you have a happy new year :)
Ashley says
Thanks for your kindness, Lee. And for sharing the youtube channel and herb recommendations—will definitely look into both of these! Hope you're having a beautiful start to the new year. :)
Celeste Jackson says
I'm glad you hit publish and I appreciate you sharing this post. Why is it that we always think everyone else has got it all figured out while we struggle to do so ourselves? In my industry, interior design, I'm mostly inspired by other designers however at times I feel like I've fallen short in comparison and of what I set out to do in my early years. When it comes down to it though I know that I've made an impact on the lives of my clients by creating a special space for them to come home to. I know you've made an impact on individuals as well and you've only just begun. Love, Mom
Ashley says
Completely empathize with feeling as if you've fallen short by comparison. I stumbled upon an alternative to the "grass is always greener" quote a few years back and it's stuck with me ever since, "The grass is greener where you water it." A good reminder that if we spend all of our time admiring our 'neighbors' green grass, our own grass will be sucked dry. All that said, you are the greatest inspiration and are beyond accomplished. So proud of you, mom.
Kaylee says
Oh my gosh! You said out loud some of the things I've only mentioned to a close friend. I feel like there's this line between sharing enough of yourself that people feel like they get to know you but not to much so they don't see all the flaws and cracks. But, you're right, on the other side of fear is freedom! Thanks for sharing!
Ashley says
Totally agree! That line follows us around in all of our interactions, and there's a delicate balance when it comes to sharing. There's situations/relationships/moments where less is more and then there's those where authentic, honest, and vulnerable disclosure is the only path to move forward. I'm pretty much an open book when someone directly asks me a personal question but I have a difficult time initiating those vulnerable shares on my own, if that makes sense. Probably a pretty common approach but something I've been thinking about a lot lately.
Donna V says
Wow! You so graciously and authentically expressed what my inner critic has got me to believe! Everything happens for a reason, mostly for us each to learn and grow, and I thank you for voicing and sharing--very courageous of you. Be gentle with yourself. Take care of yourself. Love yourself body, mind & soul. If that means, comfort food, book, movie, fuzzy blanket--do it. You just birthed a book. No need to try to top it. Be kind to yourself. No need to try to separate the many paths you walk, just be your authentic self, be real, be true. :) Let your kindness shine the light on your happiness.....whatever path or cosmic aura or spiritual vibe you choose to express. I would love to read more of your journey, your path, your pondering---psychological or otherwise. :) Hugs! Stay warm.
Crazy Green Squats says
Thanks for sharing this post. Not all people can share personal feelings to a public, you are inspiring and brave. :) I think that by revealing your fears and emotions you make a closer connection with a reader because we ALL face similar emotions, that's what life is about. I don't care what a ''perfect'' person does (no one is perfect), I want to hear from a real person. I appreciate true, honest people, the authentic ones. Thumbs up for jumping into unknown. All the best ;)
Victoria says
Ashley, I totally relate with this! I just recently started blogging in August with the purpose of reaching women dealing with eating disorders and overcoming a bad body image based on my past experience, but also sharing healthy and balanced recipes and workouts to inspire women to better health. I definitely feel times when I have an inner battle of sharing what's really going on in my head as well as a fear of being redundant. Thanks for the encouragement to speak my mind and stay true to what I believe my readers need to hear. I love your honesty in your writing! You're such an inspiration!
Erin says
Part of the reason I've loved your blog is because of your openness in discussing your own thoughts and feelings. More than once it has helped me with understanding and putting a name to my own and has been the more valuable than the accompanying recipe (which says a lot because the recipes are always amazing!) Don't quit with the "psychobabble" please! Thank you for being so open and honest.
Natasha says
You are a goddess! I just found your blog recently and I will admittedly say that I *feel* good while reading your posts and whichever direction you go with it, I think your site will still be a bundle-of-joy to scroll through. Keep it up! xx
Danielle Johnson says
This was such a refreshing post to read! I would love to see you mix-in more of your psychology and holistic wellness. I think a good way to format your blog to incorporate that would be similar to how Gimme Some Oven has her "life" and "DIY" posts. They are in the top navigation bar of her blog, but don't appear on her home page. The home page is just recipes. I enjoy all parts of your blog, but like you said, some people only care about the food and that way, it's still front and center for them.
Michele -TwoRaspberries says
I could literally comment under each thing you said with how much I can relate to it all! ;-) I absolutely love when people open up and share their feelings, it makes you so much more relateable... but yet why is it so hard to just open up?! lol ... I too have struggles with comparison and if opening up about other topics on my blog would just scare people away because they are only there for the food... winter also doesn't help, leaving more feelings of uncertainty than other times like bright and cheerful summmery days! ... anyways loved this post, I bet it felt amazing to open up and just hit publish on this! hope you are having a beautiful day! xxx
Karianne Croy says
Brava, friend! I call you friend although we have never met because I believe we are all one: separate but connected parts of a whole. I just stumbled upon this blog post and had a similar experience to what you were describing with your podcast experience. I am becoming more and more aware that we are indeed spiritual beings in human bodies. Nutrition is only one form of necessary nourishment, so I applaud you for providing not only physical nourishment, but spiritual food as well. Thank you thank you. You're such an inspiration and positive example.
Kimberlee says
Wow! What a refreshing read. Your take on veganism is truly inspiring...never came across elegant veganism before!...Thank you for all the information.